Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
