He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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