I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
