Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
