Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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