Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In other news, I just burned my penis
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
