he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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