if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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