I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
