Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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