well I can't set my house on fire every night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
