our cab driver is having phone sex.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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