Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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