I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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