Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
