I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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