i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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