I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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