Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
