I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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