She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
