I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize