Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
