I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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