Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
