The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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