Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
