I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
