1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
