1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
did i just pee glitter
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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