I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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