I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
