There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i think my cat just said my name.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
