Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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