Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
