Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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