We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
