Dual....:-)
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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