My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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