I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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