my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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