all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
