I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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