Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
