I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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