I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
