At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
