The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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