Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
