at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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