It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
