im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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