dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
