we're blogging at a bar
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
