my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.