I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
