I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
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For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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