sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
